


Do Or Die

by masochistedgelord



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst and Feels, Canon-Typical Violence, Heavy Angst, M/M, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-01-31 06:43:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12676494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masochistedgelord/pseuds/masochistedgelord
Summary: -Akechi POV following events on and after 11/20.





	Do Or Die

**Author's Note:**

> STOP // Major spoilers, please finish the game first before you read this if you haven't yet..

 

He bit the inside of his cheek, a faint metallic taste spreading across his tongue as his teeth broke through the flesh soundlessly. 

He let his jaw loosen, his teeth releasing their hold. He let his face split into a twisted smirk, as if carved across his face with an invisible knife in the hand of _that_ man. Because that's how it felt.

His index finger tightened on the trigger, each millisecond a deceiving eternity. 

"Case closed." His voice sounded far away, his head filled with a swimming mess of his own heavily beating heart. 

He squeezed and there was silence. 

He watched the horror unfold before him, unable to turn away, unable to close his eyes, even over the sudden screaming of his mind in an attempt to protect the fraying edge of his sanity; _Stop, don't look._

Each step he took felt heavier, harder to take, an unseen weight bearing down upon him as he walked away, torn laughter bubbling out of his mouth to relive the pressure building around his lungs.

By the time he had dragged himself into his apartment it was unbearable. He sank down against his door as his knees gave way.

_I had no choice._

_I had no choice._

The words repeated themselves in his mind like a mantra and he didn't realise he was saying it out loud until he stopped, his chest heaving for air. The job wasn't over yet. 

With shaking fingers he pulled his phone from his pocket. He attempted to dial the number, curses falling from his mouth as the phone slipped in his hold a few times. The dial tone filled his ears loudly, bouncing off the sides of his skull. 

"Is it done?" 

The same question, the same indifferent tone.

"Yes." His voice was hoarse.

"Good." The line went dead. 

Akechi's arm fell limp to his side, his phone abandoned on the floor.

_It is..done. I did it._

_I-_

He had done it before. So many times. Why did this time feel different? 

_I don't understand._

His body felt hot against the cold floor as he unwillingly recalled each and every one whose life he had stolen. 

Was it because he had destroyed the only one who had ever shown him genuine kindness? The only one who had ever made him feel truly comfortable without seemingly being pretentious?

Shivers racked his body and he started shaking uncontrollably. 

It was as if this job had breached the limit. It was _too_ much to feel, impossible to compartmentalize and had burst free. The compressed jar of repressed emotions entangled with all the painful, dark memories Akechi kept locked and weighed down with lead bricks deep within his soul exploded, and now he _felt_. All of it.

Years of pent up guilt, regret and disgust coming to a head and hitting him all at once as they overflowed. 

His cheeks were wet and he was gasping for breath, sharp painful noises escaping him and echoing off the stark walls around him.

It was sickening, _he_ was sickening. 

As if anyone could have ever truly liked him, much less enjoy his company. Even though the dark haired boy he had just killed so often told him otherwise.

A broken, choppy laugh fell from his lips and shattered against the floor like glass at the memory.

_Lies. Lies. All lies._

Even with the both of them dancing around each other in an unspoken game of cat and mouse, Akechi had been deluding himself by even thinking he could play at something as unattainable for him now as friends, let alone give form to any other feelings that decided to rear their heads, and now he was paying for it dearly.

-

_Akira was looking at him intently from over the counter and he squirmed a little under the strong gaze._

_"Y-Yes?"_

_"You really like it here, don't you?" His voice was calm, soothing._

_Akechi cleared his throat, "Ah, yes it's comforting and quiet, it makes me feel as though I can escape from the world for a while." He smiled pleasantly._

_Akira smiled back at him after a moment._

_"I really like you here too." He said quietly and Akechi stared at him._

_"For the same reasons." He added with a lazy smirk before disappearing off to the kitchen, leaving Akechi dumbfounded._

-

How fucking _stupid_.

The memory, uncalled for, made his gut contort excruciatingly. 

Akira's blank face, fearless in front of the barrel of his gun flashed through his mind. 

His throat burned with sudden acidity and he pulled himself to his feet, leaning on his front door, breaths coming out short and noisy.

_I had no choice._

Red flowed downwards, marring flawless pale skin, hitting the floor. _Drip. Drip._

He could still hear it clearly even now.

Akechi grit his teeth, and banged his head back on the door with a dull thud.

_You did this._

Akira smiling at him softly. Akira laughing lightly. Akira falling forward.

Akechi's vision was blurred, the tears refusing to stop as he weakly ambled towards the bathroom, bumping into things as he went. 

Hitting the table-

He pulled the toilet seat up, falling to the ground in front of it just in time-

 _Splat_.

-before his organs convulsed as he threw up the contents of his stomach violently.

_I had no choice?_

_Did I?_

Was there? Did it matter now?

It was already much too late and here he was pathetically still clinging onto some other possibility as if he hadn't thought about every _single_ one before. 

There wasn't. Akechi had to do it.

Shido would kill him if he didn't. 

It wasn't out of fear for his life, it was the fact that he couldn't afford to die now. If he died now everything he had already done would all have been for nothing.  

He couldn't. Years of planning and preparation to take down Shido himself would be wasted. If not for this fact he would probably have swallowed a smooth bullet by his own hand a long time ago. 

If only he had met Kurusu Akira before he had found out about his accursed relation to Shido. If only he had...

He flushed the toilet and sat back on the freezing tile floor, staring up at the dim light, his body twitching and shivering. 

He set his mouth in a hard line.

 _Enough._ _I will finish this._

He imagined ripping off Shido's head and planting it on a stake, glory and fame. Love and attention was all that he had wanted and it wasn't fair.

Akira was the one who had it all effortlessly, he told himself. Everything he could have ever possibly wanted and more. They were like polar opposites, yet contradictorily so similar at the same time. Akechi was the death to Akira’s life. Where the dark haired boy offered life and redemption, Akechi brought only death and ruin. 

_Justice, huh?_

Akechi had lost himself along the way, he knew this. There would be no salvation for him in the fake smiles and cheering of nameless people. Not anymore. 

The itch under his skin to rob Shido of his heartbeat was almost unbearable now as hate frothed up stronger at the edges of his conscience. 

He felt Loki, strong and unwavering at his shoulder. He took a deep unsteady breath as his breathing calmed and his shivering slowed. 

A wry smile. A shadow of something dark and empty. 

Maybe when he was done with Shido he would put himself to rest too, permanently. 

Maybe he could see his mother again. 

He closed his eyes tightly, refusing to cry again just after his tears had finally stopped. No, she would be somewhere happy. Somewhere safe. Without him. He felt like a child again, the small quiet part of him selflessly hoping she was happy with no malice or grudge. 

But maybe... 

Maybe he could see Akira. 

His throat dried up immediately.

No...he would never be able to face him.

Akechi opened his eyes, resolving not to think of such things ever again.

He wouldn't kill himself. 

After Shido, he would live as long as that god allowed him to.

Pulling himself to his feet, he grimaced as he stripped and got in to the shower. The water was warm against his back and he scrubbed at his skin with little energy. The shower seemed to help. Even if he still felt disgusting. At the very least, he was no longer a shivering mess on the floor. 

He got out, avoiding his reflection in the mirror and towelled off before heading to his bedroom to dress. He wrapped himself up in the sheets of his bed tightly, and fell into a fitful sleep as the world outside continued to spin by unaware.

Cogs turned with purpose, reality shifting as the day’s events were replayed and the contract on Akechi Goro’s life was unfurled, signed and sealed. 

 

Kurusu Akira was _alive_. 

It came as a somewhat short, confusing comfort. But it wasn’t relief Akechi felt. No, it was dread sinking right down to his boots, it was pain that made his head spin as his heart kicked up a storm in his chest. 

It wasn’t relief because now, Akechi would have to kill him all over again.

And this time, he wouldn’t be able to handle it. 

Loki gave him unbidden strength, drawn from every drop of malice and jealousy that was barely being contained in the first place, obediently taking away Akechi’s ability to think normally and he was thankful. He didn’t want to think clearly. Or else he would _feel_ and he would fail. He couldn’t afford the luxury of letting Akira affect him, of letting the words of the phantom thieves reach him. 

Even still, they overpowered him. Truly as a group they were a force to be reckoned with. Akechi already knew this. Though his defeat was met with bitterness he felt nothing of the sort when he made the decision to save them.

His final decision. His and his alone, not influenced by Shido, not planned out for months and months with small details deliberated over. It was a quick, impulsive decision but it was also a clear, untainted one and Akechi knew that for once, it was the right one.  

_It doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore._

Despair threatened to drag him down at the sound of tenderness in Akira’s quiet promise of fulfilling what he could not. Leaning against the metal door that sprung up, he knew, Akira would not fail him.

Akechi smiled and closed his eyes, remembering muted conversations in low Leblanc lighting, delicious steaming coffee and Akira’s bright smile.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered sincerely, unaware till the last if Akira had heard him or not. 

His cognition laughed incredulously whilst he lifted the gun in his hand and Akechi mirrored the action. 

He was glad. He was glad Akira was alive. 

Even as the sound of laughter filled his ears, Akechi resigned himself to one last small fond thought that accompanied the image of dark hair and grey eyes, leather and cocky smirks. 

_I guess I’m dying for you now, huh._

Two shots rang out loudly. 

 

On the opposite side Akira grit his teeth, gloves threatening to rip under the tight grip of clenched fists. 

_I promise._

 

**Author's Note:**

> I apologise.


End file.
